God Finds You

I am a Christian. With a struggling past, hurt to keep physical scars, tears to create rivers, and depression to kill the prettiest of blooming flowers.

I am a volcano, ready to rupture and break at any moment. I am a landslide of volcanic ash tearing apart and burning everything in my wake. I am the worst parts of myself when I'm not with Jesus and in prayer. I am in this normalized flow of sin, this never ending always burning flow of unforgivable sin within myself. I feel most alone in sin, in pain and in agony when I don't reach out to God.

Somehow, there is an end to this volcanic rupture. Somehow there is another side of it to look at. I'm not a pro on volcanos, although it may seem that way with the amount of times I have used it in this blog as a metaphor; but I believe metaphorically that God cleans us in the same way the volcano on the inside is now without all the dark ash, and burning fire. I may be wrong in the realistic side of volcanos, and that's okay; I'm just gunna keep rolling with it. Though, the volcano has blown the world around it apart, the inside is clean and new, and the city and things around it can, believe it or not be cleaned and made new also.

When we are in pain He sees it, when we don't want Him, He sees it. God is able to pull us up and stop this angry flow of ash and filth and see us His children. God does little things for us, like shows us uplifting messages from speakers on Instagram while we're supposed to be doing homework, he has us flip to a page in a book with just the right message on the page. Little moments like this, I believe are Gods arms pulling us back up from the ash and muck, and reminding us we're loved and have reason and purpose.

I find myself in the darkest moments sometimes, and on the good days I realize sometimes I'm not even thinking about God's love for me, I'm not even caring what He has to say, I'm just dwelling in my own sin and pain. That's not right, and it's a blessing when I'm alone and I can catch that. Because I don't have Christian friends to help me out of it, I have books and the bible and me; alone in a room waiting for answers when they're right in front of me.

I have a million and one things to be doing right now, but instead I'm bragging about my God and how even when we don't see it, or feel it or even want it- God is with us, calling us to Him, to lean on Him for understanding.

Life is impossible to do alone, and how dare we think that our hurt and pain and sin is too big for Him to handle.

Calling out to God doesn't mean automatic answers, it means a faith that can pull us onto solid ground, it means belief in something bigger than the pain and hurt and depression. It means the rivers of tears can be seen as a home for sea creatures, it means the scars can be made beautiful battle wounds- they got you through war; it means the wilting flowers can be watered and made to blossom again. Life is possible when we let God find us in our moments of feeling alone and seeing life without reason.